In one of my posts How To Resolve Internal Conflicts and Live In Peace With Yourself I said that a conflict between values and anti-values can be the main reason why we lose peace of mind and feel stuck or unsatisfied with our life.

We have all been there:

You really need to finish your project in time, but some part of you intentionally procrastinates. You work hard at your personal relationships, but another part of you wants to leave. You want to pursue your goals, but a little voice inside your head is telling you that you will fail. Most of us are not immune to the inner arguments, self-doubts and worries.

But what if we could resolve 90% of our inner conflicts? What if we could stop the stream of negative thoughts that often take over our mind? What if we could finally feel at peace with ourselves and the world around us?

It is not impossible! Inner harmony, joyful existence and unshakable belief that you can be successful start with your peace of mind. And peace of mind starts with getting to know your core values and anti-values and settling inner conflicts.

If you are still unconvinced here are 5 Sound Reasons why it is so important to learn your personal values and anti-values:

• It empowers you to make better decisions. If you know your values, it becomes much easier to align your choices accordingly.

• It becomes easier to find compatible places, lifestyle and people that support your way of living.

• It allows you to identify your main priorities in life and choose goals that are right for you.

• It makes you live with integrity. It does not mean that anyone who discovers their values will instantly become an honest and honorable person. I wish things could be that easy. “Living with integrity” in this case, means being true to yourself, becoming a “whole” person.

• It improves your communication with other people, because you understand their way of thinking and actions better.

What are values and anti-values?

What I am about to share with you is serious psychology stuff that is the basis of most coaching sessions, so bear with me.

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Usually, when we think of being in conflict, we think about our boss, who vented their frustration on us last week, about how our spouse has hurt our feelings, about our child, who is going through a difficult age or about an insolent shopping assistant, who has been plain rude to us.

But there is another type of conflict – one that is going on in our head. Inner conflicts may be less obvious than open confrontations with other people, but they are actually a lot more frequent and a lot more damaging for us in the long run.

Do you notice these inner daily contradictions about whether or not you should do or say something? Are you always sure about decisions that you have made or do you feel doubts afterwards? Have you been in a situation when your mind tells you to do one thing, while your heart ignores all the logic and tells you to do the opposite?

If yes, then you are not alone. We all sometimes feel torn between doing what we want to do and what we “ought” to be doing.

Psychologists say that there could be several different causes of our inner battles:

Preconceived Notions.

Sometimes we stubbornly hold onto our beliefs and judgments even though there is considerable evidence that they are wrong. In this case we feel torn between desire to defend our beliefs and accepting the necessity to face the facts.
It is easy, if not to avoid, then at least to minimize the number of inner conflicts caused by preconceived notions by keeping your mind open, which basically means not getting too attached to your opinions, ideas and predictions. Making a mistake or being wrong about someone or something does not make you ignorant. Being wrong and stubbornly looking for evidence that you are right – does!

Abstract social values.

It is not always easy to do the right thing. Especially when it is unclear what the right thing is. I wish that when we are taught to “be generous”, “compassionate”, “forgiving” there were specific instructions on how we should act in real life situations and detailed explanation of which moral and ethical values are more important and which ones can sometimes be “sacrificed”.

Let me explain myself…

Imagine that your friend is very upset and asks you if you can come over. The problem is that you have promised to have dinner with your family. What are you supposed to do? Tell your friend that you cannot be there for them? Cancel dinner with your family and hear the disappointment in your mother’s voice, because she has been cooking all day and was really looking forward to seeing you?

There you go! You have your inner conflict, because neither alternative is perfect.

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This is one in a series of interviews of self help experts and bloggers in the Tips from Masters series.

Tim Brownson is a life coach and NLP Master Practitioner from UK. He is also also the author of Don’t Ask Stupid Questions and  co-author of How To Be Rich and Happy. Tim runs a great self development blog, The Discomfort Zone, for people with a sense of humor.

1. How did you find your passion? What do you think is the best way to find it?

I was lucky in so much as I stumbled into coaching after 20 years working in sales. It’s an entire book describing how you find your passion, but I think the starting point has to be knowing your own values. If you don’t understand what is at the core of your identity and what really drives you it’s going to be difficult to know what you’re passionate about.

2. How do you go from goal setting to implementation? How do you make sure that you take constant action toward your goals?

That really depends on whether you’re talking about me, or what I do with clients. With clients it’s really about understanding what motivates them and using that to keep them going. They may be primarily motivated by what they have to gain by sticking with their goals or they may be the type of person that is driven by what they have to lose. Again values come into play as they can be a great indicator as to what will help somebody keep on track.

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