“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“Just be yourself!”- is such an obvious statement. What can be easier than that? And yet the first thought that comes to mind is “Can’t you, please, be more specific?”

We are so used to changing masks, playing our social roles, adapting to other people and circumstances that most of us no longer understand where the real us is and when “us” is acting. We know how to act to be a leader – you guide, manage and educate those who depend on you. We know what it means to be a good employee – you show up to work on time, invest your time, skills and abilities to help the company grow and prosper. We have a pretty good idea about what being a wonderful spouse or a great parent means.

But how are you supposed to act when your only task is to be yourself?

If you are unsure how to answer this question, here are 9 suggestions that will help you to stay true to yourself.

1. Get to know yourself better.

If you need to fill every second of your day with some kind of activity, if you believe that any reason is good enough to go out instead of sitting at home, if you get bored by yourself – it all means just one thing – you have not got to know yourself well enough.
It is close to impossible to be yourself, when you do not know who you are or understand what you want! Take time to get to know yourself better! After all you are the only person who you will spend every day of your life with.

2. Develop your individuality.

Sometimes we copy other people’s actions or adapt to their beliefs, because it seems like the easiest way to fit in and be accepted. But it is also the easiest way to lose your unique individuality that makes people want to get to know you better. Why blend in with the surroundings and be just like everyone else, when you can actually stand out?
We all have our unique individuality. After all that is why we are called individuals, not primates. Whether you love to walk on the beach while it is raining or cannot stand the smell of beer, do not be afraid to share it with others! That is what makes you interesting and attracts others to you!

3. Do not snub the “popular” stuff.

When I was a teenager, every time I heard the phrase, “It is very popular right now” I automatically assumed that it was stupid, shallow and pointless. I did not listen to Backstreet Boys, because 99% of my classmates were constantly listening to them. I decided I did not like Leonardo di Caprio just because all the girls of my age were in love with him. I guess I just did not want to like something or someone simply because everyone else does. I wanted to be different. Unique. Invincible to social influence. Now when I think about it, it actually makes me laugh. Thinking that you are too cool to get in the trend is just as silly as wanting something because everyone else has it /likes it. Do not snub the popular stuff just because it labeled as “popular” or “trendy”. Take time to figure out what it is that you like! This is way more original!

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Over the past month there have been many articles on “How to go from being an Introvert to an Extrovert” that talk about how to overcome socializing blocks and provide suggestions on becoming more ‘extroverted’. As a result many people, who consider themselves introverts have felt offended by the notion, and in return have started calling extroverts “shallow”, “pushy” and “annoying”. Am I the only one who thinks that it is crazy to judge people just because their personality type is different than our own?

However, all these articles, blog posts, forum discussions in my opinion reflect a misconception spread in Western society that  extroversion is the more acceptable personality type. In fact, research carried out by Twenge (2001) has demonstrated that extroversion appears to have become more and more prevalent in US over the past decade. It does not mean that there are more extroverts out there. Most likely it just means that thousands of introverts have felt the need to adopt ‘against type’ behavior in order to “fit in”.

In my opinion the cause of this problem lies in the fact that many people when they talk about extroversion/ introversion confuse two different concepts “good social skills” and “introversion”.

Extroverts are described by numerous personality tests as “outgoing”, “enthusiastic” and “eager to try new thing”. They are highly interested in the external world, enjoy group activities and might become easily bored when they are alone.

While introverts are often perceived as somewhat ‘reserved’, quite and less assertive in social situations it does not automatically mean that they are timid or have difficulty socializing.

This can not be further from true. Introverts can have terrific communication skills, while being good listeners. Just like any extrovert can suffer from social phobia or have no ‘social intelligence’ or tact when communicating with other people. Similar extroverts, who tend to think as they speak may be mad at themselves later for saying something they should not have. On the other hand, introverts, who tend to be slow to speak, later may be mad at themselves for not saying anything at all.

But the bottom line is – introversion is not about being shy, depressed, distant and self-cautious. It is not a problem that needs to be corrected. Introverts just do not seem to need the external world as much as extroverts do to feel content.

The latest psychological findings actually prove that sociability is not at the core of the extroversion trait. Extroverts are more drawn to social situations, not because they are more sociable, but because they are more sensitive to rewards involved in such situations.

The real difference between introverts and extroverts lies not in their social skills, but in the way they restore their energy. For example, after a really hard day at work some people prefer to go out and relax with friends, while others can not wait to get home, grab a book and finally enjoy some peace and quite. An extrovert is a person, who regains their energy by being around other people, while introvert energizes from being alone.

Because the terms ‘extroversion’ and ‘introversion’ are widely used in many personality tests, we often regard ourselves as being an introvert or an extrovert. When in reality, it is very unlikely that you are totally introvert or totally extrovert. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. In my case, I can be very comfortable with groups of people and enjoy social interactions, while sometimes I just can not wait to get away from the crowds and noise of the city, and spend a weekend alone in the country.

I believe that generalizations and stereotypes make many people feel somehow ‘defective’, inferior and self-conscious. Who cares if someone is ‘extrovert’ or ‘introvert’, “ a PhD Professor’ or a ’stay at home mom’, ‘black’ or ‘white’, ‘old’ or ‘young’? All these labels mean very little in defining who we REALLY ARE. Instead of dividing ourselves and other people in to various categories, why not accept the fact that everyone is absolutely UNIQUE?