Fear is the number one reason why so many people fail to achieve their goals. If in the past you let an opportunity pass by, if you did not ask your boss for a pay rise, when you knew that you deserved it, if you decided to settle for less, when you could have had a lot more, if you gave up on your dreams, because other people thought that you couldn’t do it, if you let your spouse treat you disrespectfully – the route cause of your behavior was FEAR, be it fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, or fear of loneliness. Fear stops us from taking risks, striving for more, asking for what we deserve. Taken to its extreme it paralyzes us, makes us feel helpless and insecure. We become so preoccupied with not making a mistake and that we avoid taking action at all costs.
The evolution of fear
Although fear is perceived in our society as something negative, its initial main function is to help us to survive and protect ourselves. Let me explain what I am talking about. Imagine yourself going on a hiking trip. You slowly stroll down the wild, picturesque path, admiring the beauty that surrounds you, enjoying the warmth of the sun on your face, listening to the birds’ singing and daydreaming about your bright future.
Suddenly you raise your head and see a huge grizzly bear five feet away from you and judging from expression of his face, he is not very happy to see you there, nor is he enjoying a beautiful sunny day. In less than a second, an area of your brain called hypothalamus sends a signal to your adrenal glands and initiates the chemical release of hormones that prepare your body for running away or defending yourself. Your heart rate increases, increasing blood flow to the muscles and sending more oxygen to your brain, making you think faster. Your five senses are sharpened, as your pupils dilate and your hairs stand on the end. At this point your appearance alone could be enough to intimidate the poor animal, but if he will not back off, you are physically prepared to hit harder, fight better to protect your life, jump higher, or run at a speed that would probably impress even Olympic champion. This type of fear is called survival fear, because there is an actual threat to our life.
Now imagine another situation. You are about to deliver a presentation in front of thirty people. You stand in the center of the room in silence and you can literally feel that all eyes are on you, waiting for you to start. And suddenly the possibility of bumping into enraged grizzly bear does not sound so unappealing.
Even if there is no actual threat to your physical well-being, the same “fight or flight” mechanism are instantly activated. You can hear your heart pounding, your mouth goes dry, your palms are cold and sweaty, and your voice is trembling. Your first instant reaction is to run away from the conference room, but you force yourself to begin the presentation, because you HAVE TO. What you are experiencing is an illusory fear, because your reaction is caused by perceived, not actual danger (like a false alarm). You do realize that even if your presentation is a total failure and a public mortification, the audience will not cause you any bodily harm. But nether-the-less, fear of public speaking for many of people is stronger than fear of death.
What are we really afraid of?
“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
There are many different types of illusory fear, but one of the biggest is a fear of rejection. In my opinion, it is even stronger than fear of failure or fear of success. In the first case what makes us really scared is not a failure itself, but being perceived as a failure in the eyes of others. In the second case, we are afraid that if we will achieve a head-spinning success our friends will be jealous and will not like us any more.
We all want to be loved, appreciated and respected. It is a basic need, which is second only to primary needs (food, water, sleep, breathing, sex) and the need for security. Unfortunately starting from early childhood, most of us learn that love and approval depends on our behavior. If we do what pleases other people (be it our parents, teachers, friends, strangers), we receive praise and affection. If we do something that others do not like they demonstrate coldness, disapproval and criticism, which is perceived as rejection.
Why is fear of rejection so harmful?
Fear of rejection makes us hypersensitive to the negative opinions of other people. We become dependent of what others might think and say about us. We constantly feel that we should please another person in order to be liked and respected, even at a cost of our own desires and goals. Every time you do not say “no” to unreasonable request from your colleague you put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Whenever you doubt your abilities, because someone else is saying that you can not do it, you set yourself up for failure. Every time you try to live up to someone else’s expectations you lose your own path.
Fear of rejection creates a strong inner conflict where you are caught in a trap of feelings “I don’t want to”, but “I have to”, “I have to”, but “I can’t”. This, although illusory fear could be a lot more harmful than any survival fear. When you see a real threat you can always “fight” with your enemy or “flight” from it. When your fear is illusory your body enters into a state of “alert”, but there is no real enemy that you can concentrate on. So you may overreact to every little comment. It becomes hard to trust anyone, because you are always expecting that another person will criticize you. Other people can easily manipulate you into doing things that you do not want to, because your rational thinking is distorted by fear. When you are afraid, your mind concentrates on short-term problems, instead of long-term consequences of your beliefs and choices that you make.
As long as you are in the “fear” mode, it is almost impossible to relax and start to think positively.
How can you conquer your fear?
Courage, mental clarity and self-confidence are three main factors that can conquer any fear.
Courage is not an absence of fear, as many may think. Courage is the ability to face your fear and to master it. The fastest way to overcome any fear, is to do more of the things that you fear. Confront those fears that are holding you back and preventing you from taking risks. Any public speaking expert will tell you that the best way to deal with fear of public speaking is to talk more in front of an audience. Eventually you will become fearless and even learn to get a kick out of the adrenalin rush.
Mental clarity can be achieved with a simple Stop-Breathe-Leave technique. First of all, to gain control of your emotions you need to stop the instinctive response to fear. No matter how terrified or angry you are, decide not to react immediately. Just pause for a few seconds. By doing this it you will stop your spontaneous instincts and reflexes from taking over and will be able look at the situation more rationally. The second step is to take your mind off the source of fear or irritation, by concentrating on your breathing. Make sure that you exhale twice as long as you inhale. This simple, yet very powerful breathing technique promotes muscle relaxation, normalizes hear rate, lowers blood pressure and helps to regain thought clarity. If you are in the room with other people and can not take a two minute break to relax and calm down – just leave the place. It is easier than you think. You don not even have to come up with a legitimate excuse. In most cases it is enough to say, “I’m sorry. I need to leave. I’ll be back in … minutes”, turn around, walk out of the door and come back when you regain control over your emotions.
Self-confidence is defined as one’s belief in one’s own ability to achieve a desired goal. It is what YOU think and believe about yourself. This is very important! Your self-confidence is determined by how you value yourself, not by what other people think or say about you. It means that every time you hear a negative opinion or doubt expressed by another person, it is your conscious choice to accept this opinion as true or refuse to be concerned over it. In reality we all look at the world through the filter of our beliefs, values, previous experiences, desires and even our momentary emotions. If someone is making a derogatory comment about your idea of a goal it does not mean that he dislikes you or thinks of you as unworthy. Most likely this person is just not happy about his life at the moment and he projects his mood on everything and everyone he sees. It is important for you to believe that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. If you truly think of yourself as a valuable and worthy person, no one will be able take it away from you.
“There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear”. ~George S. Patton
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” – Marie Curie.