I have a question for you – Are you happy? It is not a complicated question. A simple “Yes” or “No” will do just fine. But when we are caught off guard, we usually say something like, “What is happiness anyway?”, “At the moment I am quite satisfied with my life”, “I have a great spouse and 2 wonderful children. What else could I ask for?”

It is not often that I meet people, who respond to this seemingly challenging question with a simple “Yes”. Yesterday however I met a woman like that.

She was radiating joy, peace and happiness. And she was not a spiritual teacher, highly successful business lady or the wife of an oil magnate.

She cooks and serves meals in a tiny Ayurvedic café, located right in the middle of a yoga center. She had brought my food over to me and since at that moment my friend and I were her only clients, she started chatting with us. As it turned out, she does not have a degree, because she got married very early. Her husband died a few years later, leaving her with a young child to look after. And now that her daughter has turned 18 and moved out of the house to study in England, she is left by herself. This woman had every reason to feel lonely, bitter and unsatisfied with her life and yet she was one of the happiest people I have ever seen.

I asked her what her secret is and she just laughed, saying that there is no secret. But the more she talked to me, the more I understood about how she sees life and how she thinks.

If you, like me, are wondering why some people have everything necessary to be happy and yet they are miserable, and why others have absolutely no reason to be happy, yet they radiate love, kindness and peace, here the Simple Guide to Long-Lasting Happiness and Joy from one of the happiest people I have ever met (apply it to your own life and I guarantee that it will work for you as well):

1. Count what counts.

Often when it comes to finding happiness, we base our choices on emotions rather than the desires of our true self. We just kind of choose the next thing we want and then ask ourselves “How can I get it?” But we rarely know the true reason of WHY we pursue something in the first place. The first step to becoming happier and more aware of the core motivation behind your desires, is to shift your focus from what you can get to what adds value to your life.

Ask yourself “What is one intangible thing I can count today (be it at work or at home) that makes my life meaningful?”

For example, for me, my work is not about the amount of money that I make per hour (although, I do have to pay my bills). It is about the difference that I make in my own and other people’s life during that hour of work. I have noticed that the less I focus on “making money”, the better I work and the happier I feel. What about you? What counts in your life?

Hint: it is intangible!

2. Stop chasing after happiness.

In western culture, happiness is perceived as any goal. And therefore, according to our logic it can be achieved with enough persistence and determination. As someone who has taught Goal Setting for over 10 years, I can tell you that it does not work like this. Happiness is not something that we can reach if we do X,Y or Z. It is an inner state of peace, joy, love and gratitude. And since it comes from within, trying to search for it outside of yourself is similar to traveling across the oceans to look for a needle that you have actually lost in your own house.

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With the popularity of the Law of Attraction, positive thinking has become one of the main self-help topics.  The Law of Attraction states that our thoughts create and influence our reality. Our thoughts, especially ones that provoke strong emotions, with time turn into beliefs. And our beliefs rooted deep down in our subconscious direct our actions. Actions create results. Therefore, our present is a result of our past thoughts. Similar, what we think at the moment will noticeably influence our future.  This is why we are constantly told to think positively and avoid negative thoughts at all costs.

While this is very true, the concept of positive thinking has been taken to another extreme. The consequences of negative thinking have become a bogeyman story for adults. “Think negative thoughts and prepare yourself for the consequences, because you will attract terrible things into your life!” Are you scared already? I know I am and I am not the only one…

I receive hundreds of letters from people, terrified that they are unable to stop the flow of negative thoughts. Most of them have literally developed a fear of negative thinking. They believe that one tiny negative thought can noticeably ruin their chances of success. As you know, what we believe we attract into our life.

But that is not all… If a certain thought provokes strong negative emotion this thought will manifest itself into our life with a doubled force. Do you know which negative emotion is the strongest? Fear. Not anger, not rage, not greed, but fear.

The worst thing is that when we do attract negative situations into our life, we become even more convinced of the destructive power of negative thinking. Our fear becomes even stronger and a vicious cycle begins.

The only way to break this cycle is to understand what the true nature of positive thinking is.

While people who teach positive thinking stress that it is important to pay attention to your thoughts and stay optimistic, no one is saying that we should ignore reality the way it is. Being “artificially” happy and upbeat is just as bad as having strong negative beliefs.

In the first case you see everything through rose-colored glasses, in the second case your vision is distorted, because you perceive any situation as gloomy and hopeless. Both of these “extremes” provide temporary escape from reality, but deprive you from taking control of your life.

Sure, there are problems in life that we would prefer to ignore, like a failed marriage, years wasted on pursuing things that we do not need in the first place, inability to open up our full potential in our current job, credit card debts, ill health, and even wars and world hunger. But as you know, ignoring a problem will not make it go away. You can not change the situation if you fail to accept it the way it is.

But what if the situation is disturbing and even critical? Would  it not make us focus our attention on negative aspects and lead to negative thinking?

There is a huge difference between negative thoughts and facts.

Facts are:

• Based on statistics and realistic up-to–date data. For example, saying, “I have $20 left in my checking account” is a fact, while screaming, “I am bankrupt! My business is a failure! ”- is obviously negative thinking. Your mind can work with facts. And it is oriented towards problem-solving. Whenever it faces a certain problem, it starts to look for the best possible solution to change the current situation. Negative thoughts do not require any solutions and our mind just accepts the situation the way it is.
• Free from negative emotions. Very often we judge the situation or another person’s actions, based on bits and pieces of information that we have. As a result we can come to the wrong conclusions. For example, let us say you went out on a date and really liked the person. You tried to call them, but the person that you are interested in does not answer the phone. What would be the fact in this situation? You both had great time together. There is no reason for this person not to answer the phone. Maybe they are just busy? However, many people immediately start making false assumptions, “Why don’t they answer the phone? They have stood me up. Everyone is alike!” Keep in mind, you are not a mind reader nor a fortune teller. You can not predict the future or know exactly why another person is acting in a certain way.
  Do not be quick to judge and you will save yourself from the embarrassment of being wrong!
• Unbiased. Facts are always based on impartial assessment of both the pros and cons of a certain situation. For example, before going to a job interview you may think, “I know I’m lacking knowledge in the area of finance, but I’m willing to learn more and develop the skills that I lack at the moment. On the other hand I posses many strengths that I’m sure this company can benefit from”.
  The same information can become negative thinking if you say, “There is no way I will get this job! I don’t know a thing about finance. There are a lot more people, who are better qualified for this job than I am.” Do you see the difference?

What can you do to stay positive and release your fear of negative thinking?

1. Stop judging, blaming and complaining. All of these are very powerful negative thinking habits that prevent you from becoming successful.
2. Talk about things that you want to manifest in your life. Just be careful not to share your dreams and goals with negative people, who will most likely criticize you. It harms your self-esteem and decreases motivation.
3. Concentrate your efforts on doing those tasks that will take you closer to your goals.
4. Learn to “let go”. If you catch yourself thinking negatively just stop following these thoughts and think of something else. Do not mentally beat yourself up.
5. Do not force yourself to avoid negative thoughts. As you know, any pressure creates resistance. The more you try to force out negative thoughts, the more often they will come back to you.
6. Keep your head “cool” in stressful situations. When you are under a lot of stress it is easy to lose control over the situation and start thinking negatively. Remember, there are people who look for a problem in every opportunity and there are people who look for opportunity in every problem. The latter always succeed.
7. Look for motivation and support. Surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good. Whenever you feel down, read a motivational book, a success story, read your favorite inspirational quotes, buy yourself a little present or just listen to your favorite song. The line of negative thoughts is very easy to break. All you have to do is switch your focus to something positive. Sometimes even insignificant things like new haircut, a hot bath after a hard day working, a delicious desert or a sincere “thank you” can go a long way in lifting your spirits.
8. Love and appreciate yourself. You can not stay positive if you do not like yourself. You can not expect others to respect you, if you constantly put yourself down. You can not expect to have good health, if you do not treat your body with love and care. Positive thinking starts with accepting yourself the way you are and then striving to become a little bit better. One step at a time.
9. Express gratitude. Think about the people who love you, about wonderful experiences that you have had in the past, about material objects (like big screen TV or a car) that the majority of people can only dream of. Doing this will immediately switch your focus from the negative to the positive things that you have in your life.

Positive thinking does not have to be a burden, where you must constantly train your mind to stay optimistic. It is a state of mind that you choose to adopt while having fun and enjoying yourself!