If prostitution is considered “the world’s oldest profession”, then gossip is undoubtedly the oldest way of communication.

Since the beginning of time people have been discussing other people’s personal matters and spreading peculiar “news”.

Religions condemn gossip. Psychologists say that gossiping is part of negative behavior programming. Successful people warn that gossip easily destroys trust and reputation. We witness relationships being ruined every day because of gossip. We suffer the consequences of gossip ourselves.

I am sure that you too are familiar with that nauseous feeling of disappointment and disgust, when you discovered that a person that you liked, has talked badly of you behind your back.

No one likes the idea of gossip, and yet statistics show that 66% of all human communication is gossip.

What makes gossip so attractive? And why are most of us (me being no exception) indulging in that “sinful” behavior on a daily basis?

There are five main reasons why people gossip:

1. “Wow! We are really bonding”.

It is really simple. When two people discuss a third person, it makes them feel closer. Almost like they have committed a little crime together and now they have a secret of their own that they do not want anyone else to discover. Gossiping makes us feel “part of a closed club”, by creating a strange feeling of mutual trust and bonding. Although, the question is do you really want to bond THAT way? Because a person who is gossiping WITH you, will most likely gossip ABOUT you the second you leave.

We like people who bring the best out of us, not the ones who drag us down to their level and make us talk negatively about others.

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We all crave being loved, cared for, appreciated and understood. 99% of what we do, think, say, fear, and desire can be, one way or another, linked back to our need for affiliation and approval. And this is not surprising, because without close satisfying relationships our life becomes lonely, boring and meaningless. Relationships, on the other hand, make it exciting, meaningful and fulfilling. But also frustrating. Especially when people refuse to act according to our wishes or expectations.

When it happens, we have two options:

1) Try to change other people and convince them to do the “right thing” ( usually we have an explanation ready of what the right thing is)

2) Change the way we relate to others and learn why we sometimes face difficulties when it comes to creating and sustaining relationships with others.

Here are the 10 Most Important Relationships Laws:

1. THE LAW OF SIMILARITY. Like attracts like. We do not attract people that we want to attract into our life. We attract people who are similar to us, because we resonate with them. There are no accidental encounters. Just after effects of our past thoughts, expectations and actions.

2. THE LAW OF BRICK WALL. Precautions that we take to avoid getting hurt include not letting any emotions get too close to our heart, but this also turns you into a prisoner keeping you safely tucked behind the walls.  “Playing it safe” is a sure way to avoid a broken heart, but it is also a sure way of leaving happiness outside your life.

3. THE LAW OF INACTION. Nothing will change in your life until you take a step to make it happen. Any satisfying long-lasting relationship requires patience and sustained effort.

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There is actually a word for such people – “smart ass (intending a donkey )”. You may say something smart, but it will still only make you an intelligent donkey.

You:

Conversation is a base for any relationship. Through conversation we stay connected with other people, express our thoughts and feelings, learn new information, resolve problems and reach an understanding with each other.

How other people treat you and what they think of you is almost fully dependent on your communication skills. Unfortunately, not everyone feels at ease when talking to other people.

In fact, many people who are convinced that they are have good conversation skills, actually confuse “talkativeness” with “ability to carry on a good conversation”. As we are all aware, quantity of words said per minute does not necessarily improve the quality of conversation.

If sometimes you feel that:

• you can not get the point across

• you have trouble carrying on a conversation

• you find it difficult to come to an understanding with some people

You might want to watch out for these serious conversation mistakes that can turn off people instantly and make them avoid talking to you at all costs:

1. Make it about you. We often think that in order to impress other people we have to share with them how much we know and how many interesting things we have done. But the truth is that 99% of people have exactly the same belief. While you are talking about your life, you do not give them a chance to impress you and share something that is more important to them – their own thoughts and ideas. They want to talk about their stuff, share their stories and opinions, not listen to you talking about yourself.

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There will always be something your spouse will not be able to understand about you, for the sole reason of being biologically and psychologically different from you. Your parents might not understand you, because they have had different life experiences and sometimes they would try to project these on you. Your children will not understand you, because they will look at your decisions from their perspective. The best way to deal with misunderstanding is accept that other people are entitled to have an opinion that is different from yours, and love them anyways.

“It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.” – Charles Baudelaire

It is an amazing feeling to share a deep understanding with someone. It makes communication so much easier and so much more satisfying. You do not have to explain yourself. Do not have to search your brain for the “right words”. Do not have to worry about saying too much. You just know that another person just “gets you”.

We cherish this feeling even more, because it is so rare. In fact, most of us feel truly understood only by our pets (but that is only because they can not talk and ask questions).

How many people in your life really understand you on a deeper level? One maybe two, if you are lucky.

What about the rest of the world? What about your parents? Your friends? Your spouse? Your children? Your co-workers?

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I am sure you want to feel loved, appreciated and understood. But guess what? So does everyone else! People give you advice, actively participate in your life and try to influence your decisions (not because they can not mind their own business ), but because they care about you and are convinced that they know what is better for you. Moreover, they actually expect gratitude (not irritation and anger) in exchange for their participation.

That is why the best way to avoid open arguments with people that you love, is to show them that you respect and value their opinion. You can still do things your way, though.

Social pressure is that uneasy feeling that most of us know too well. It is the feeling you had when you tried to smoke a cigarette for the first time, because you did not want your friends to think you were not ‘cool’. It is that bitter feeling of inferiority that you felt every time you were reminded that you were alone and still not married. It is that wave of protest that built up inside of you, when your boss asked you to stay after work hours to finish a project and you said “Sure. No problem.”, when you really wanted to say, “NO WAY!”.

So what makes social pressure so powerful?

For the most part it is our need to be liked, appreciated, cherished, and understood. We want to feel a part of the group and we know that in order to “fit in”, we must behave in certain “acceptable” ways. Even when our brain tells us that our actions are not logical, our overbearing emotions instruct us to act according to other people’s expectations.

Here are three things you can do to avoid being influenced by other people and claim back control of your life:

1. Know where you stand.

Whenever you start doubting your decisions or actions it can mean only two things:

• We feel that we are doing something wrong.

• We do not have clarity about our beliefs and core values. To be able to withstand other people’s influence and make the right decisions in life, we need to have a strong foundation. What do you believe in? What are your values? The earlier you get this clarity the better.

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Are we happy because we are smiling or are we smiling because we are happy? Are we sad because we are crying or are we crying because we are sad?

Huh? What kind of questions are these? The kind psychologists have been asking themselves for more than five decades.

It might seem obvious to us that we are crying because we are sad. But in reality there is a lot of evidence that indicates otherwise. Psychologist Marsha Linehan, University of Washington, found that modulating facial expressions (such as relaxing our face when we are angry or tense) can help us to control our emotions. 

A leading expert in body language and microexpressions Paul Ekman and his colleagues have demonstrated that people who were instructed to produce certain facial movements and those who were actually recalling a highly emotional experience showed the same psychological response. 

To put it simply, I can feel angry, because I am recalling how it took me 2 months to finish my beautiful puzzle of the Eiffel Tower and only 2 minutes for my dog to completely destroy it. Or I can feel angry just because I wrinkle my brow and have my lips pursed. The emotion I feel in both cases will be the same – displeasure and even anger.

The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has published other research which showed that the effect of facial expressions on mood is enhanced when we look at ourselves in the mirror. 

Another interesting study showed that if you hold a pencil between your teeth (which will cause you to have a smile grimace on your face) you are more likely to find the cartoons that you are watching, funny.

All this proves that our mood can come from the outside in. It means that by simply changing our facial expression and our posture we can calm down, adjust our attitude or improve our mood almost instantly.

Good body language to practice:

1. Keep your back straight. It is the single most important change in your posture that will have the biggest instant impact on your mood, self-confidence, and attractiveness, while improving your health. However, if you work in front of the computer or spend a long time in your car, you will notice how hard it is to keep your back straight. After a few minutes your body starts to relax and it starts slouching. This is why while surfing the internet at your desk or driving in the car sit with your hips and back firmly against the chair (your tailbone should touch the back of the chair and your knees should be slightly higher than your hips). If you find it difficult to stay against the back of the chair, place a pillow to support your lower back. Do not collapse your chest but lift it forward and up.

Use an armrest whenever you have the chance to reduce stress on the upper body and neck. And remove everything from your back pockets. Avoid crossing your legs too often as it can put a sideways curve to your spine, decrease blood circulation in your legs and make you feel somewhat defensive. 

When you are standing up, it is easy to check if you are keeping your back straight. Your ears, shoulders, hips, knees, and ankles should make a straight line.

2. Hold your head up. Your head should feel like it is in a ‘neutral’ position, balanced with little effort. Imagine that the top of your head is connected to a floating balloon and it is gently pulling you upward and lengthening your spine. When you sit in front of the computer, make sure that you see the screen easily without bending your neck down or leaning forward. 

3. Keep your feet a comfortable distance apart. If your legs are too close or too far apart it usually communicates lack of self-confidence. Ideally when standing your legs should be a little less than shoulder width apart. It is ok to shift  from time to time from one foot to another, just make sure to distribute your weight evenly; otherwise you will throw your spine out of alignment.

4. Relax your face. Most of us carry stress in our faces. Tensing your jaw, brow or forehead activates the muscles in your neck and shoulders and creates further tension in the whole body. This is why good personal trainers always remind you to relax your face during a workout. A small study published by the Journal of Dermatologic Surgery reported that a cosmetic procedure which paralyzed muscles between the eyebrows and prevented people from frowning was twice as effective in decreasing the symptoms of depression as most anti-depressants.

Your face reflects your approach to life. If your face is relaxed and your posture is straight, you will instantly be perceived by other people as more likeable, friendly and attractive. And it has nothing to do with your level of good looks. The most beautiful face in the world will not be pleasing with pursed down turned lips, tensed jaw and a sour expression.

5. Smile. Whenever we have a bright genuine smile on our face our body is sending a message to our brain, saying “Life is GOOD!” Guess what happens next? Our brain releases ‘feel good’ hormones, called endorphins into our blood and we start feeling happier and more energized. If you are still unconvinced about the benefits of a smile, listen to this – smiling lifts the face and makes us look younger, friendlier, more confident and more attractive.

A smile draws people in, just like frowns and scowls push them away. And the greatest thing is that it takes around 50 muscles to frown and only 17 muscles to smile! So make it easy on yourself – no matter what you mood is, relax your face and smile!

And if all these tips do not work and you still feel down, try the secret instant mood improvement trick. Take a pencil and put it between your teeth, just like they did in one of the experiments. Than take a look at yourself in the mirror. I have tried it. Works like a charm!

“I speak two languages, Body and English.” - Mae West. 

Body language is universal and the most popular and reliable language in the world. When we communicate our feelings, we get 55% of the information from body language, 38% from the tone of voice and only 7% from actual words.

Without even realizing it, we rely on body signals a lot more than on any verbal messages. For example, if you have watched a little baby, you will have noticed that if they raise the inner ends of their eyebrows it is a sure sign that a second later they will start crying. Or if you see that your boss is talking to one of his employees and your boss’s face is red, his nostrils are flared, his jaw is clenched, his eyebrows have moved inward and downward, and he is fixing a hard stare on the ‘victim’, you will know right away that it is not the best moment to ask for a pay rise.

Unlike verbal communication, body language and facial expressions provide more immediate feedback on another person’s mood, true thoughts and intentions. 

Of course, not all of our emotions and thoughts do we actually feel comfortable displaying to others. We often try to hide them behind indifference, sarcasm, and ambiguous phrases, but as Nietzsche said, “One may sometimes tell a lie, but the grimace that accompanies tells the truth”. 

A leading expert of Psychology of emotion and non verbal communication Paul Ekman has proved this to be true by discovering microexpressions (if you have seen the new series “Lie to me” you know exactly what I am talking about). 

Even the best poker players in the world involuntary reveal their true emotions and thoughts for less than a fraction of a second. Microexpressions can be easily spotted if you record a person’s face and than slow down the video. Because these facial expressions tend to be very extreme and very fast they are invisible to an untrained eye. However, we may perceive them on an unconscious level. 

If you have ever taken just one look at a person and immediately knew that you disliked them, the chances are that this person was involuntary displaying negative microexpressions to you. The person may act very friendly, say all the right words to you, flash a bright smile at you, but you will still feel uncomfortable around them. We often chalk it up to intuition or a ‘gut feeling’ when in reality we have based our opinion of the person on their facial microexpressions. 

Dr. Ekman and his team have developed special tools: Micro Expression Training Tool (METT) that can improve our ability to spot concealed emotions and The Subtle Expression Training Tool (SETT) to help us identify the first signs if someone is becoming emotional. 

Research has demonstrated that about 85% of people can improve their ability to recognize microexpressions in just one hour, just by using Dr. Ekman’s software! However, there is a catch…

Microexpressions can tell you what the person is feeling, but not WHY they are feeling it. For example, your daughter comes home way past the curfew hour and when she starts explaining why is she late, you spot a fear microexpression. She might be afraid that she will be caught in her lie. But she might also be afraid that even though she tells you the truth you will not believe her. 

Learning to interpret correctly people’s facial expressions can help us a great deal in our professional and personal life, but it is important to remember that we are not mind readers (well at least most of us are not ). By jumping too quickly to conclusions about why a person is flashing certain emotions, we can actually create even bigger misunderstandings and communication barriers.

Even though the importance of non-verbal communication has grown rapidly over the last few decades and it is now widely used in media, business, interpersonal relationships, education and politics many people still pay little attention to non-verbal messages and body signals, concentrating mostly on words.

It is one of the biggest misconceptions to think that what is being said is more important than how it is being said. In reality only 7% of information is sent through words, the remaining 93% of communication is non-verbal. If you fail to read and de-code non-verbal messages you set yourself up for constant misunderstandings and various communication problems.

I am sure that you have heard the expression, “Their actions speak louder than words” before. This is very true, because:

• In many situations people tend to hide their feelings behind carefully chosen words. A non-verbal message is a subconscious response of the body. Therefore, it can not be easily controlled and is likely to be more genuine.
• As words have limitations, non-verbal communication is more effective in situations where a person has to explain shapes, directions, inner feelings and personalities.
• Non-verbal signals serve to make the message more powerful and convincing. Try to convince or motivate another person into doing a certain task while keeping your face expression, gestures and tone of voice unanimated. No matter what you say, you will not be able to sound convincing, or motivating.
• If a message is too emotional or too complex a separate non-verbal communication channel is needed to transmit this message correctly.
• Non-verbal communication helps to clarify misunderstanding and avoid possible communication barriers.

Non-verbal communication is not just body language, gestures or facial expressions as many people mistakenly think. It also includes eye contact, touch, spatial distance between two or more people or positioning within a group, kinesics or body movements, appearance, smell, tone of voice and even silence!

Body language is one of the most important and complicated parts of non-verbal communication. Although many books have been written on this topic, body language is still hard to decode, because it must be interpreted in the context of a person’s lifestyle, cultural background, family, education, physical health, and other factors that may be obscure.

Gestures are used to express emotions and signify certain feelings. One of the most frequently observed is hand movements, as people often gesticulate with their hands while talking.

Facial expressions. Our face is a highly developed organ that can create more than 7,000 facial expressions. Facial expression continually change during interaction and should be constantly monitored by the recipient.

Even though the meanings of facial expressions may vary in different countries, there are six main types that are the same in all cultures:

• Happiness (sincere broad smile, raised cheeks, round eyes)
• Anger (lowered eyebrow, tightly pursed lips, intensive stare)
• Surprise (wide open eyes, open mouth, raised eyebrows)
• Fear (open mouth, round eyes, pale face)
• Disgust (wrinkled nose, raised upper lip, lowered eyelids)
• Sadness (lowered corners of mouth, sad eyes)

Eye contact is an important feature of social communication. In many cultures it is believed, that even if you can control your facial expressions and body movements, eyes can never lie. This is why in business cultures a fair degree of eye contact is viewed as a sign of a person’s openness, honesty and trust.

Often, just by eye contact we can signal to another person when to talk or to finish. In interpersonal relationships looking away is often perceived as deviousness and avoidance, while gaze holding, decreased blinking rate and dilated eye pupils show our interest in a partner. Also frequency of eye contact may indicate either interest or boredom.

Touch. “Haptics” is a nonverbal communication study of touch. The way one person touches another can tell a great deal of information. Even a handshake can tell a lot about the individual’s character and social position. In most interpersonal relationships touching can (arm pat) expresse tenderness, give encouragement and show emotional support.

Such physical contacts as embracing, pushing, grabbing, holding another person on the shoulder, patting on the back, ruffling thier hair may reflect elements of intimacy, lack of attraction, patronizing or gentleness.

The meaning of touch depends highly on the situation, sex, age, culture and your character. If used improperly it can become a cause of aggravation, communication barriers and mistrust.

Distance and Personal space. There are two main types of distance: horizontal and vertical. Horizontal distance determines the distance, which people intuitively feel comfortable with when approaching other and having others approach them. There are four horizontal distance zones:

• Intimate distance – from actual touching to 18 inches. It is assigned for intimate relationships and mother- baby relationships. At this distance the physical presence of another is overwhelming. Violation of “our territory”, depending on the seriousness may provoke such feelings as discomfort, irritation, anxiety and even anger and aggression.
• Personal distance – from 18 inches to 4 feet. This zone is reserved for interactions with good friends, when discussing personal and casual matters.
• Social distance – from 4 to 12 feet. This is an appropriate distance for impersonal, social gatherings and business communication.
• Public distance – more than 12 feet. At this distance a speaker becomes formal. It is reserved for public speaking and interaction in public places (like parks, supermarkets, or on the street)

The more we get to know the person and the more we like them, the closer we permit them into our personal space.

Vertical distance often indicates a degree of dominance and subordinance in the relationship.

Kinetics (or a study of body movements in space) helps a person to transmit information as well as affecting the feelings of the person doing the moving. Body movements are widely used:

• As emblems or gestures that have a direct translation to words (e.g. “OK” sign or a thumb up, meaning “great!”)
• To reinforce or emphasize words ( e.g. “He is THIS tall”, “ The fish was THIS big!”)
• To show strong feelings through body motions ( e.g. jumping and clapping hands from joy, tiptoeing from impatience or anxiety)
• To control the flow of conversation ( e.g. showing with body movements to another person when to start or to stop talking)

Usually people with a more relaxed posture, an open arm and body position and the body leaning slightly forward in the conversation are perceived as more likable, attentive and trustful.

“Chronemics” is the study of the use of time in non-verbal communication.  Time perception greatly affects our lifestyle, movements, speed of speech, and the amount of time set for listening.

It is also closely linked to a person’s social status. The higher the status, the more control the person has over his time.  For example, a boss can talk to an employee whenever he chooses to do so, while the employee has to make an appointment to see the boss.

In business communication it is very important to remember that various cultures have different perception of time. For example, in North America, Germany or Switzerland, you often hear statements such as, “Time is money”, “We’re running out of time”, “The deadline for the project is tomorrow”. In South America or Arabian countries people believe that they have “all the time in the world” and the word “deadline” does not exist in their language.

Appearance plays an important role in non-verbal communication. Clothes, makeup, accessories, hairstyle, choice of colors and uniforms usually offer signals relating to person’s individuality, status, wealth, occupation and even attractiveness.

People we find attractive are perceived as more credible, sociable, successful, interesting, sensitive, kind and popular. However you have to remember that forming stereotypes based on other people’s physical characteristics and attractiveness may lead to false assumptions and communication barriers.

“Olfactics” is a non-verbal communication study of smell. We tend to react to people based on their smell. For both men and women body smell is one of the most important subconscious factors of choosing a life mate. During interaction body odor or too much perfume can make even the most attractive person seem repulsive.

Paralanguage is a non-verbal element of communication that includes rate (speed), pitch (highness or lowness of voice), volume (loudness), and enunciation of vocal speech.

A person’s character, emotional condition and ability to get a message correctly to a receiver can be revealed by vocal cues.

Experimental findings suggest that people tend to listen more attentively to men with deep, low voices and resonant tones as these vocal cues are associated with strength, sexiness and self-confidence.

High pitch voices are associated with rage, nervousness and helplessness, while despair and depression is often vocalized by a lower pitch and slower word pace. People who speak very loud are often perceived by others as aggressive, overbearing and uncompromising. Soft spoken people are viewed as timid, polite and unsure of themselves.

When a vocal message contradicts a verbal one it is considered an indication of sarcasm. For example, a phrase, “Great job” can either mean a sincere praise or if intoned sarcastically, it has the opposite meaning.

Silence is also viewed as a part of non-verbal communication that depending on the situation and usage can influence conversation in a positive or negative way. On one hand silence may create tension and uneasiness, while on the other it may give another person time to collect his thoughts and calm down. Silence can also be an indicator of agreement or disagreement, depending on other non-verbal aspects such as facial expression, body language or eye contact.

By learning to observe and understand the non-verbal communication process, you can noticeably improve your communication and persuasion skills. You will be able to immediately identify what another person really thinks and change their point of view if necessary.