Do you like the sound of your own voice? Most people don’t. When they hear their voice registered, the first thought that pops into their mind is, “Do I really sound like THAT when I talk?”

We are not used to hearing our voice the way the rest of the world does, but this does not mean that we should diminish its importance.

Just like your fingerprints or your DNA, your voice is unique and it says a lot about you and your personality.
It is enough for people to hear your voice on the phone to make quite a few very important (and often very accurate) assumptions about you – including your age, education, intelligence, maturity, health, background, body build, attitude and even your emotional state.

A few years ago an experiment made in this area showed that people literally “hear” personality in the voices of others and it biases their opinions about everything from the person’s credibility, to the level of confidence, to sexual appeal.

In fact, the science behind our tone of voice is so vast that there is a whole area of non-verbal communication, called Paralanguage.

Paralanguage studies speech qualities such as its pitch (highness or lowness of voice), pace (speed), volume (loudness) and, in some cases, enunciation.

How can knowledge about Paralanguage help you in your day-to-day communication?

Potentially, your voice has the power to engage, charm, encourage, motivate, persuade, or gain people’s attention and trust. Just as, if used incorrectly, it can alter the meaning of your message and give people the wrong impression about your true personality, making you sound unprofessional, indecisive or, vice versa, pushy and demanding.

Take a moment to learn what your voice says about you and what you can do to make the best impression in every conversation.

3 Elements of Paralanguage

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How many ways are there to say “No” without offending anyone’s feeling? Well, there is “No, I can’t”, “No, I don’t have time” and “No, I don’t want to”. But the problem is that many of us try to avoid situations that require us to say “No” to people. In almost every culture this little word is associated with rejection, failure, egoism and a lack of tact and empathy towards others.

I can not recall how many times I have eaten burnt, undercooked, bland and poorly tasting dishes simply because I did not want to hurt the feelings of the person who had cooked them. Or the times when I bought something, I did not need, because I felt guilty leaving a shop empty-handed after spending 20 minutes of the shop assistant’s time.

Whether it is our manager, a customer service representative or an acquaintance asking for a favor, for some unexplainable reason many of us feel mental resistance when we have to voice a straight-forward “No”.

If you are a rare exception, who has no problem saying “I wish I could, but I do not want to” please share your secret! What is running through your head when an 8-year old with huge blue eyes offers you to buy a box of Girl Scouts cookies? Or when your boss asks you in a matter-of-fact voice if you can stay after hours to finish a project?

How do you say “No” without offending anyone or feeling guilty afterwards?

On the other hand, how do you NOT say “No” when you know that if you go along with everything other people want from you, you would be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted?

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Here is a conspiracy theory for you – some very intelligent people are here amongst us. Their IQ is described as “Artificial Intelligence” and like “walking Wikipedias” they always have an answer ready for everything. And from the look on their face you know that they are probably right. “How can they retain so much information?” you ask yourself.

Have they spent their teenage years locked up in their rooms reading? Do they flip over a few pages from scientific research papers before going to bed as a past time? Could it be that they have a direct connection to some unknown source of Universal knowledge?

I do not know about you, but in the past an encounter with such highly intelligent people would always leave me feeling two contradictory emotions: excitement, because I have learned something new and a slight sense of inadequacy, because I have never felt an urge to read the “Wall Street Journal” or wrap my mind around “Schrödinger’s cat” paradox.

It turns out that the latter emotion was unjustified, as recent studies in psychology confirm that our IQ has very little to do with accomplishing success in life.

What makes a big difference is our Emotional Intelligence, the concept that has been described by Daniel Goleman. Not only do qualities associated with high EQ (such as self-awareness, inner motivation, empathy and ability to recognize and manage our own feelings and those of others) account for about 90% of our professional effectiveness, they also enhance our intellectual performance – i.e. we work smarter, not harder!

Really great news is that, unlike IQ, which is set and almost unchangeable from childhood on, emotional intelligence can be developed and improved!

21 Strategies to Improve Emotional Intelligence

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